Where we are

I do hate him.

But it’s taken a long time to be able to do so. I realise now that I don’t want to be with this person. He’s uncaring, cruel, and a bit pathetic. But I think of the old him as a different person, and I am still in love with that person. It feels like he was just taken away from me in the blink of an eye. I miss him.

I also miss having that closeness to somebody, someone to rely on and someone to turn to, as well as someone to hold and to cuddle up to at night. Someone who muddles along beside you trying to get this parenting thing right together. Someone who knows what you need and when to say the right thing. Someone to make plans with and enjoy the absolute certainty that your future lies together.

I see now that he was far from perfect in many ways. But that didn’t matter when other things more than made up for his flaws and overall I was so happy with him. Now his flaws are glaring and unattractive. But he’s still my baby’s daddy, poor little thing.

Time to think back to the beginning to try and bring some clarity and order to my feelings.

Best of times, worst of times

This is my first ever blog. I am writing it because I need a way to record some things and to put down in words all the things that I wish I could say. I don’t expect anyone will read it but me, but that’s OK. Once something is written down, maybe I can stop it from circulating round and round in my head.

My husband decided he was in love with someone else, someone he just met, while I was four months pregnant. Now we have a baby, a gorgeous, perfect, wonderful little baby girl who deserves better, and we live together as if everything is normal, and only 3 people in the world apart from us know that he is carrying on this shittery and destroying any chance of the family life I believed was ahead of us.

How have things got this screwed up?