I do hate him.
But it’s taken a long time to be able to do so. I realise now that I don’t want to be with this person. He’s uncaring, cruel, and a bit pathetic. But I think of the old him as a different person, and I am still in love with that person. It feels like he was just taken away from me in the blink of an eye. I miss him.
I also miss having that closeness to somebody, someone to rely on and someone to turn to, as well as someone to hold and to cuddle up to at night. Someone who muddles along beside you trying to get this parenting thing right together. Someone who knows what you need and when to say the right thing. Someone to make plans with and enjoy the absolute certainty that your future lies together.
I see now that he was far from perfect in many ways. But that didn’t matter when other things more than made up for his flaws and overall I was so happy with him. Now his flaws are glaring and unattractive. But he’s still my baby’s daddy, poor little thing.
Time to think back to the beginning to try and bring some clarity and order to my feelings.